Ministry comes in waves. Some days we're riding the wave and other days we're being tumbled into it. When I first came on staff some coworkers told me that it took them about four years to really find their stride, and in many ways I'm finding that to be true for myself. How should my time and energy be spent outside of office hours? With the students? With church activities and ministries? My responsibilities at the school have fluctuated and expanded from what they were when I first arrived, and while I now feel very comfortable in my roles (I manage the school's accounts payable and also work in the Academic department as the academic secretary/assistant to the Dean of Education - two part-time ministries that add up to one full-time position), the thing that constantly changes is the people. Every fall brings whole new class of students. New faces and names to learn, new stories to discover, new relationships to build. And then, of course, there are the relationships that are already underway with the upperclassmen. Sure, it's the same thing every year, but that's also what makes it different every year.
To explain why I feel I'm facing yet another "how does all this work," I need to back up to last semester. One of my responsibilities with the Academic department is organizing the senior class trip to Pennsylvania each spring, which is no small task. Details, details, details. This past spring was my first time doing it solo, and while I had very good training, the learning curve was steep, and that, coupled with my normal duties in the office, plus some significant staff transitions, PLUS a short-notice trip to CA mid-semester for my grandmother's funeral, left me drained far more than I was aware of at the time. I could see God's grace carrying me through the midst of it, but it wasn't until the end of the summer that I realized just how much of a toll it had taken on me.
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| The senior class of spring 2015 |
Summers have typically proven to be a refreshing time for me. The quiet that goes along with the empty school does this introvert heart a world of good, and by the time August rolls around I'm eager for the students to return. But that didn't happen this year. Quite the opposite. As August drew nearer, I found an increasing anxiety over the approaching semester. Anxiety is such an ugly word, but I had to admit that that was what I was feeling. I knew this semester would not be nearly as hectic as the spring, but I couldn't shake the feeling of "I don't want to do this again!" It was a horrible sensation, because we can't just stop doing life and I wanted to have an enthusiasm for serving and investing in the students, not a dread of it. I spent a lot of time talking it over with the Lord, asking Him to show me where the error was in my thinking, and it wasn't until I was reading back through my journal from the spring that I realized I'm still recovering. Ministry (or any job that involves a high interaction with people) requires a lot of emotional energy, and I was still emotionally exhausted. Weak? Definitely. But that's okay. :)
So this year I'm taking things more slowly. After much prayer and consideration, I decided to take a year and pull back from the church activities I've been involved in. This was a hard decision ("Give up Awana??"), but the relief I felt was almost shocking and confirmed it was something I need to do. Instead I'm going to focus on investing in the students (which very much took a back seat last semester) and work through some studies for personal growth and training in the area of discipleship.
Here we go, Year #4! Let's see what God has in store. There is more for me to learn, and I love the fact that He's walking right alongside me every step of the way.
Oh, and I'm very happy to say that just days before the students began to return, I realized the anxiety had completely dissipated and was replaced with an enthusiasm and joy for the new semester. Thank you, Father!
